Are you good at anything?

Is it because I’m in “mid-life”? Perhaps I’m still mourning and healing after my miscarriage. Whatever it is, I’m feeling extremely fidgety.

I’ve been searching (digging deep) over the last few weeks…I call it cocooning. I read a lot. I ponder a lot. I dream a lot. I look within and try to get a handle on who I am and where my happiness lives.

I’m learning, still, so many things about myself. Some of those things are small, some are big, and some are downright stupid and pointless, but they have to do with me so I chalk it up to a small piece of what makes up Lori.

I have this yearning–deep down in my soul–to change what I’m doing. I want to work from home. Oh. My. Gosh. the energy I feel at home when I’m writing or editing photos or working on website things, then running into the other room to throw in laundry–and maybe even sneaking in a walk before lunch. I find that when I can create my own schedule, I get a hell of a lot of things done.

In my full-time, day job I write, blog, create and update websites and landing pages and fight fires. (that means I do basically all the shit at work people can’t figure out, because I’m tech savvy and I’m a project manager–give it to me and I’ll figure it out) I don’t feel fulfilled at work. Not one bit. I feel chained to the desk and like a monkey asked to perform–at the last freakin’ minute.

I want to create. I want to try and I want to throw all caution to the wind and not have to be “on” all the time. At work, I have to deliver. And I work with a bunch of people who skate by at the last minute, don’t have processes, and throw the fiery ball of flames over my fence and expect me to handle it–at the last freakin’ minute. I don’t work well that way. Hell no, I don’t!

Do you know how many damn websites I’ve created in a few days and burned the midnight oil for? Jeez!

The last time I felt fulfilled in my work was when I wrote, edited and created for a magazine. I never realized I could be so right-brained. CREATIVE even. I’m pretty good at straddling the middle-o’-the-brain in all of those brain tests. We’re talking dead center. So I’ve always been the planner, go-getter, get ‘er done kind of girl. I’m ready to uncover the right side and see what she can bring to the party.

How do I get there? What do I want to do? I don’t know! I know I enjoy people, technology, writing, editing, photography, memory keeping, talking to people and teaching and helping them achieve their goals. According to my last boss, he told me, “When it comes to dealing with people, Lori, you shine.” Really? I do?

I’m on a quest. I’ve got more reading to do and a few ideas brewing in this head of mine. But I am filled with doubt and questions.

What are you good at? I mean really good at? Anything? Maybe you’re just kinda good at lots of things.

What can you do that you can turn in to a business and contribute to the family but fulfill yourself and the people you work with/for?

I know that money isn’t important to me–well, I have bills to pay, but I’m not looking to make millions. I want to make a difference. I want to inspire. I want to lead people to a better self/business/family.

It almost feels like I have ADD. My interests are vast and I read and research and soak it in, but I also can get lost in my learning. Time to get focused. Put on some ol’ lady glasses and look in the mirror, girl, because it’s about time you see that girl who’s ready to get out! But where the hell do I start?