Carrie Bradshaw Asked the Hard Hitting Questions

Today is Sarah Jessica Parker’s 50th birthday. (Hbd, SJP!) While she’s held many important roles throughout her career (Hocus Pocus), it goes without saying that there’s one character above all with whom we not only grew up, but who helped us grow:

Paintball Paula from Failure to Launch.

Jk.

I’m referring to Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City fame.

Bradshaw’s character created a dialogue with her readers. The problem is, she wrote for a newspaper and not a blog. Her questions went unanswered — no way could Carrie figure out Google, and everyone knows to avoid WebMD. Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda weren’t much help either, and her newspaper editor barely gave her deadlines, let alone edits.

But what if Carrie Bradshaw finally got a smartphone, and my number? She’d probably text me her questions directly instead of asking her computer rhetorically, and like any good friend with pure intentions and better advice than Yahoo! forums, I’d do my best to answer.

CB: Hi.

Me: Hey. What’s up?

CB: Question. When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost, or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?

Me: Haunted until we make someone else watch The Ring.

CB: So you’re saying we eventually move on once we hand off old relationships and learn to love ourselves before starting new ones?

Me: Uh…yes. Totally.

CB: Can you ever really forgive if you can’t forget?

Me: I forgave you for wearing tie dye spandex, didn’t I?

CB: I guess. Are men just women with balls?

Me:

CB: Think about it.

Me: Carrie, that literally makes no sense. No. Men are not women with balls.

CB: Fine. But remind me to show you this picture in person tomorrow. My phone’s being annoying and won’t send it.

Me: kk.

CB: Speaking of balls, do you know what the odds of catching a fly ball are?

Me: No.

CB: I didn’t either. I couldn’t help wondering if they were any higher than finding a relationship that would last.

Me: If you’re around more flying balls than men with still-balls, then yea, your chances are higher.

CB: In other news: are all men freaks?

Me: All people are freaks. All of us.

CB: If that’s true, when did being alone become the modern-day equivalent of being a leper?

Me: Unless you tried to wear the aforementioned tie dyed spandex into a black tie event, marital-status leprosy was all in your head. Being single makes it much easier to reserve spots in yoga class because you don’t have to save mat space for two people.

CB: Big hates yoga. But do you think that to be in a couple, you have to put your single self on a shelf?

Me: I mean, unless previously agreed upon, you probably shouldn’t sleep with other people. And yea — you have to tidy your apartment a bit more often, reserve bikes for two, and your waxing schedule might change. But your partner should theoretically bring out you at your best. If a relationship is doing the opposite, shelf that shit.

CB: When will waiting for the one be done?

Me: Waiting around never solves anything. It only causes bed sores.

CB: Do we search for “lessons” to lessen the pain?

Me: Do we…ok. Cute word play there. Yes, of course we search for “lessons ” — or the greater meaning — in shitty situations. It’s how we cope. The world would be bleak if we truly believed that nothing happened for a reason.

CB: But even then…can you make a mistake and miss your fate?

Me: You can’t miss fate. That’s the point of fate. Haven’t you seen Serendipity?

CB: Not the whole thing. John Cusack’s not my type. Besides, in a city as cynical as New York, is it still possible to believe in love at first sight?

Me: Looks-wise, John Cusack is 100% your type. And yes, of course it’s possible to believe in love at first sight. Just because your city is cynical doesn’t mean you stop swiping right.

CB: I hate all those apps. They crash my phone.

Me: Try actually dating via those apps. They’ll crash your brain.

CB: Does a string of bad dates really equal one good one?

Me: No, but they do often equal one really good story.

CB: When it comes to matters of the heart, did we have it right in high school?

Me: We got to know people in high school. We spent time with people and watched them be annoying in class and saw them do gross things in the cafeteria, and in spite of all that, we developed crushes. Now we go on dates with one another based on facades and then react at the first sign of a weird tick. So in that sense, yea, we had it right in high school. But the stakes are higher now. High school hearts need not apply.

CB: Ok calm down, I’m the relationship columnist over here.

Me: Fine, flipping phone over, then.

CB: Wait! Sorry! Two more seconds.

Me: WHAT CARRIE.

CB: Is sex ever safe?

Me: Ask your gyno.

CB: She won’t answer my FaceTime.