Former ‘Bachelor’ Contestant on Dating After the Show

Going on The Bachelor is a cry for help at a decibel that could keep Dr. Phil and his dogs awake most nights. I did it back in 2005 for reasons I still don’t understand (save for the free trip to Paris), but one thing is certain: dating will never be the same. You begin to recognize it as a ridiculous sport. And even if you have years of practice, there’s no way to control the outcome. You actually can’t compete for love, and that elusive thing called chemistry? It’s a loose cannon.

Luckily, the surest way to someone’s heart in the real world isn’t through his or her clipboard-carrying, headset-wearing producers.

Below are three important dating realities I culled from the least realistic dating experience on TV.

Reality #1: Smart women don’t compete for Cracker Jack prizes.

Most of the illustrious bachelors are an acquired taste for the female contestants, many of whom would rather find a fully stocked pantry the first night of eliminations than their future husband. (After 14 hours with nothing but crackers to eat, it’s like, Screw love, give me a Hot Pocket.) Everyone goes into the experience overlooking the one obvious truth: that the producers’ matchmaking methods are no more detailed than Tinder. They’re probably trolling your neighborhood bar right now for America’s Next Top Cheeseball.

Reality #2: Beware the Jedi mind tricks.

Have you ever been snubbed by a guy who you didn’t even like that much, yet suddenly you can’t stop thinking about him? That’s a bruised ego, not a broken heart.

Your mind can play tricks on your emotions, especially if you’re alone for too long. We weren’t allowed to bring laptops, phones, or books while sequestered in our hotel for days. I had nothing to do except fantasize about this man I hardly knew who was dating a whole cast of women. The female mind is powerful. It’s also a terrible thing to waste.

Reality #3 Every rejection has an upside.

Being rejected on national television is a bizarre indignity, but viewers don’t see the half of it. The real humiliation starts once the eliminated women leave the premises. In my case, we were given airline-quality blankets to share amongst each other in the freezing cold. After our bodies were numb from frost and our on-camera exit interviews were complete (one producer probed a girl about her dead grandmother to bring on the waterworks), we were piled into a big white reject mobile. And if by the rules of reality #2, the female mind is a terrible thing to waste, then by van is an even worse way to vanish into the night.

That experience could have been a nightmare, but the following day, a friend from the cast and I skipped the airport shuttle and explored the city of Paris. Everywhere we went, attractive men on mopeds were winking, smiling and waving, a reminder that the “plenty of fish” adage holds true, but more importantly: life exists outside the facade of reality television.

When people ask what it was like to go on The Bachelor, I say it was similar to Eat, Pray, Love — except love was denied and ditto the food on set. So technically, it was nothing like Eat, Pray, Love. But it was the greatest lesson I’ve heretofore learned about the importance of writing your own happy ending, and packing snacks in your purse. Just in case.

Stephanie Simons was a contestant on Season 8 of The Bachelor in 2005.