Learn to Do a Black Tie Ponytail in a Jiffy, with GIFS

Before we begin the old step-by-step on How to Do a Black Tie Ponytail, there are a few elephants in the room that I would like to address:

The first elephant is named Thomas. He joins us today from the San Francisco zoo, he does not like the weather New York is having, but is excited to explore the city regardless. Can we all give a warm welcome to Thomas?

(Pause for warm welcome.)

The second elephant is that this post will likely not apply to every reader. I have long, straight hair. This makes for a different type of ponytail than if I had curly hair, or short hair, or gigantic ears where human hair might be, like Thomas. (I do have mildly gigantic ears though.)

Tomorrow on Man Repeller, we’ll be running a Round Table that explores various Women-And-Their-Hair topics, from society’s understanding of “normal” to the reality that actually, hair is diverse, and while we all have a very personal relationship with our hair, it’s just that: personal. And diverse.

Which is more or less my way of saying: this is what I, Amelia, am working with. It is but a plant upon my head that I grew. Roll with me through these GIFS, ignore my broken-out skin (or don’t, YOLO), and then in the comments, show me what you are working with; it’s almost the weekend, and we all need inspiration for the Saturday night hair party nation.

Step 1: Play Twister

The first step in making your ponytail look “fancy” is the ends. This is great news if you hate showers, own dry shampoo, and can handle a maximum of 5 minutes under the blowdryer. Get the bottom half of your hair wet, twist it like a rag, then hold tight while you blow that cinnamon stick dry.

Something weird I do: keep my hair back in a headband until the last minute for volume. You can ignore this if you hate Blair Waldorf or foreheads or extra steps.

Step Two: Go Halvsies

Splitting your hair into two sections to make a formal high pony is a game changer. My friend Jess taught me this trick in college. It allows you to control the volume up top without the bottom half of your hair weighing everything down, and it makes your overall tail look fuller. (Tip: use a strong, thick hair tie for that genie in a bottle swing. Do not use a scrunchie.)

Step Three: The Whole Enchilada

Grab the underbelly of your hair and scoop it up to meet your top pony. If you hate bottom bumps, here’s your chance to smooth the lower half while keeping volume up top. (Use another thick tie.)

Step Four: Seal the Deal

Adding a thick, black satin(ish) ribbon (or one of these things) will cover your hair ties and provide that ~*bit of polish*~ to really tell the room and its subsequent elephants that, Yea man, this shit is officially fancy now.

Knot the ribbon but keep the bow under the tail to avoid anything too cutesy.

And with that, you’re black tie ready. Now if only you had a dress.