What’s the Best Blowdryer?

My bangs are so mean. Mostly because they’re not really bangs, they are “pieces,” but also because they are annoying to manage for someone like me who is a skilled hair ironer (I spent the better half of 2004 at Bat Mitzvahs and 2005 at those of the Bar variety), but knows exactly nothing about what it takes to self-actualize a good blow dry. So much so that I don’t even own a blow dryer.

I used to have one. It was Conair and came with a brush attached but one time I burned my right hand while trying to discipline a flyaway and that was it for us. My mom wouldn’t have it any other way which in hindsight was effectively like splitting sunglass frames from their lenses or something, but I made due with the mandate because in addition to taming my head, that blow dryer was also really loud. Like woke up my younger brother all the time and consistently reminded me that I was a girl, as though a monotonous anthem, during a time when all I wanted to be was invincible.

But I’m there — or rather, here — again. And ready to reclaim my gender. It’s just, I’ve been out of the blow dryer game for a decade. You know what happens in a decade? The difference between butterfly clips and Stan Smith sneakers, an mp3 file and Instagram — so who knows about the technology that has rectified the purported wrongs of my beloved Conair hot-brush, right? Except, probably, for you. Who I would imagine wouldn’t dare fuck your head with an iron and knows a tip or trick I could use, so, pray tell: what’s the best blowdryer?

And who’s the best blowjobber?

I’m kidding!