The Guys I Dated

I dated a guy a while ago and wrote a trilogy about him. It’s entitled “Why I don’t date.” You can find the first post to it here.

I should come with a warning label for all who date me.

WARNING: I read into and analyze everything.

Nothing slips by me.

I’m empathetic to a telepathic degree,

and I SEE THROUGH EVERYTHING.

It’s illegal to remove or tamper with this tag.

The only time I get hurt is when other people’s insecurities seep out and affect me.

I’m going to go deep here, but if you think good and hard, you’ll understand all that I say.

It all comes down to insecurities. Why do men use women? Why do they sleep with them and toss them aside? For one thing. Validation. And why do they need validation? Because they’re insecure. As long as a person remains insecure, they’re incapable of loving anyone – they can love a pet, or someone they feel comfortable around. They can love a person they consider to be on or below their “level.”

If they’re attracted to someone who they discretely view as “above (doesn’t need)” them, they’ll cut them down. Intentionally or unintentionally, it happens. It happens because they feel threatened. It’s an innate impulse that both men and women share.

When I was under ayahuasca (I know, blah blah shut up with that already), I seen all this so immaculately clear. I also understood that as long as you love yourself unconditionally, you will never feel the need for validation. And when that happens, only then can you love others unconditionally.

But none of us love ourselves unconditionally. We always doubt. We always need someone to tell us we’re okay. We can only love ourselves when others love us first.

And when a person detaches themselves from us we say good riddens. “I never liked you anyway.”

I’ve been in that bad place where I had no one to tell me that I’m okay. I been there. That’s how I know all this! You can only know the things you’ve experienced. But you can only wake from it once you’re aware of it – once you understand and actually see it.

The heart always leads you into understanding – don’t let go until you find it.

But then again, once you understand what’s happening, you realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And in some cases, it’s in fact you who needs and wants validation from a person who needs and wants validation from you.

Us humans make love out to be just another ego game. We don’t have the capacity understand it.

Sure we can love our kids, but when they start misbehaving, do we retract our love? Sure we can love our spouse, but do we retract our love when they’re unresponsive?

Love IS understanding. If people understood each other, there would be no disagreements. There would be no hate. My heart is always tugged in the direction of understanding.

But then again, ayahuasca told me to let go and to trust. That I don’t need to understand. But how can I grow and evolve if I’m unable to see my own mistakes?

I can’t let go, understand, or see something that I’m emotionally attached to.

But anyways, where was I? Ah yes. Insecurities.

I am hurt by other people’s insecurities. The way they treat and view themselves, is in exact accordance with how they view and treat me. If you’re unable to understand this, you’ll just have to trust me on it. I’m a big deep thinker and did all the grunt work for you, but yeah, it’s true.

Trust me.

But the crazy thing is, once you do understand, you can see it in yourself. How your actions towards others is in exact accordance with how much love and trust you give to yourself.

Everything is relative. There is only one tree of life, all is dependent (which by the way amazes me and I’ll have to write about that separately).

I’m NOT saying this to make myself sound grand or anything, but I can see everything there is to know about a person. And I mean everything. I swear, it’s like I have X-ray goggles or something. I’m not embellishing. If anything, I’m watering it down.

I step back, take in the full view, and I empathize. I empathize while remaining detached. I believe it’s for this very reason, why people are attracted to me. And because I remain detached, they look at me as a puzzle to be cracked.

They don’t trust themselves, so they don’t trust me – they don’t trust me because they can’t own me, just like they can’t own themselves. There’s a certain degree of fear in all my relationships. I bring out the demons in people. I swear I see everything.

I wasn’t expecting to write all this.

Initially I wanted to write about the guys I dated.

The guy that triggered my “Why I don’t date” trilogy, he’s been trying to contact me for the past month or two. My interest in him has plummeted down to zero which leaves me to wonder, am I unforgiving and/or judgmental?

I just don’t give a shit to be honest. I’m too tired.

But he’s not what brought about this post. What really brought it on is that Norm, a guy I dated once two years ago (you can read about him here), died yesterday.

I was a different person back then. I was happier, but scattered. Now I’m transfixed and miserable. I dated him when I was scattered and happy.

I can’t believe he died. It’s freaky because he said that life is short and we should spend every minute embracing it by doing exactly what we want to do in every moment.

He said it to get me to sleep with him. But he was actually sincere in his words – it wasn’t just a line, he truly meant it.

One of the warnings on my label suggests that I’m empathetic – which means I can tell the fakes from the phonies. Well, this guy meant it. He meant it to the point where I felt what he was feeling and I agreed with him.

But he died of a heroin overdose. He died doing exactly what he wanted to do, which leads me to wonder, at what point is the cut off?

Ethics, morals? Do they play a part?

For me, it comes down to respect. I respect myself and my body. I respect it so much in fact, that I don’t want to do drugs or have promiscuous sex. I can have either one. They are a phone call away. I’d rather eat cold shrimp and blog at 3:30 AM (which I’m doing now).

And in a weird way, because I respect myself and my body, I respect life. My desires, or perspective rather, was different from his. Not that his were wrong, only that they’re not mine. Just a different path. I respect his path and withhold all judgement.

You change your perspective, you change your life. Stop being insecure, don’t stop wanting to find answers – you’re actually finding answers about yourself, not just answers to why someone hurt you.

Norm escaped all that. He opted out.

I learned in life that the hardest thing to do is often the right thing to do. It’s not about doing exactly what you want to do, but seeing the bigger picture and how everything ties in. Empathize, understand, naturally detach only to reconnect with truth.

It all comes down to the bigger picture in the end. It’s something none of us can see until a part of us dies.