Why I Hate Cute Kid Contests

Children.

We make them, we raise them, they become adults, they make more children, we become grandparents, it actually starts getting fun (supposedly).

The circle of life.

Circle of Life = Disney code for "Life blows."
For reals, though, kids are freaking awesome. We can agree on that, right?

So can we also agree to shun cute kid contests and their ilk?

Maybe you're like, "YEAHHH! I HATE THOSE THINGS, TOO!" Maybe you don't see what the big deal is. Maybe you've participated and enjoyed them and full-fledged shunning seems a little over-dramatic and you only do it for funsies or fruit baskets or A ONCE-in-a-LIFETIME CHANCE to WIN $25,000!!! (... while we mine your Facebook account for personal information.)

Or maybe you're one of those parents who uses your child as nothing more than a stepping stone on your quest to fame and notoriety. A Dance Mom. A Pageant Mom. A Future Circus Performers of America Mom. (How is that last one not it's own TLC special yet? HOW.) If you're one of those, PLEASE GET HELP.

If you've signed your kids up for these sorts of contests before, I'm not judging you. I understand the motivation. I think my kids are the bomb and you absolutely should, too.

Please take a moment, however, to consider the pitfalls of these things, besides annoying the junk out of all your friends with pleas to vote every three seconds because, you know, a win would just mean so much to six-month-old Junior. No one wants to do that. (Except maybe Grandma. Maybe.)

1. They objectify children.

Your children are not your possessions. They are real live human beings and they are way more than their chubby cheeks and sparkly eyes. Pitting a photo of your child against a bunch of other photos of other children explicitly contradicts the "you are more than your appearance" message we should be striving to teach them from day one.

You don't love your kids just because they're cute. Why would you want other people to?

2. This is not high school.

This is real life. You're not going to get any invites to the quarterback's excellent (did you read that in Bill and Ted's voice?) party for having the cutest kid on the block. You're not going to get much of anything, really (unless of course you're marketing your kid for commercial purposes ... which is a whole 'nother can of worms).

You do not need someone else to tell you how beautiful your child is.

3. Behold, you have procreated!

Behold, so has much of the rest of the universe. Unless you're a unicorn, save the baby pictures for family and friends and possibly the car salesman who's trying to act like he cares.

4. You can't rig the genetic lottery. Maybe your kid won out and maybe they didn't, but it doesn't matter anyway.

Know why? Because it's COMPLETELY subjective.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I, personally, do not want any part of my life mucked up with society's screwy definition of "beautiful".

We get it. Your child is adorable.

ALL children are beautiful little creatures, both inside and out.

Please, please, please. Let that be enough.