Work in progress

Sorry to all readers that I have been so late starting off the New Year. But I am happy to report that the year is over and we all made it though the "holiday celebrations." For me, I am going into my 9th year as as widow. Really hard to believe that Lane hasn't been here for that many years.

So many things have changed in 9 years. I wish I could just sit down and catch him up. I've grown stronger and more independent. Yet, I often feel more vulnerable because he isn't here to listen to me or help me. But what choice do we have except to push forward into this new year and see what happens?

The kids and family don't talk about Lane much anymore. Vague referrals ("Dad would like this" or ("Dad would do it this way") now and then prove he's not been totally forgotten. The grandsons wanted Grandpa memorabilia this year, which surprised me. The 2 older ones wanted some of Lane's stuff to keep in their rooms. It was fun putting it together trying to match Lane's interests with each kid.

Time will never heal this wound but it does start to soften the scar. I no longer grieve or mourn. I think about Lane every day grasping onto good memories rather than feeling panic or desperation that he's dead like I did for many years. I am working on feeling appreciative for the years we had together and not bitter for the ones we don't.

I think most of us widows are works in progress. Trying to navigate this immense river that is cold and wide. We know we have to get to the safe side we just don't know which side that is. So I suggest that we continue to throw each anchors when we need them.

Thanks for keeping this blog going with your comments. We've been together over 5 years now and I hope the blog and its readers have helped you along the way.

Sue