Ugly Lamp Contest 2015: Round Two

Hello and welcome to round two of the Ugly Lamp Contest! If you missed round one, get your buns over there and vote!

I hope you had pleasant dreams last night. I dreamed that a devil clown was beating me with a palm frond while judgmentally monitoring my electricity usage.

By now we know that Lava Clown destroyed the competitors in his round, and presumably will devour their souls next. Haha. That’s not true. Miserable Meter has no soul. As of now, Primate in Pearls and Wishing-Well Hell are having a tug-of-war for a distant second place.

What will today bring? I can only imagine. Maybe this guy can ‘shed’ some ‘light’ on it:

from Tricia

HA! You may be wondering, “Can a solar light shaped like a nattily-dressed cat really be considered an Ugly Lamp?” Well, it lights up and made me snort-choke with genuine out-loud laughter, so I say yes.

If that’s not enough to convince you, just imagine it at night.

It freaks meowt!

Quick, what’s more depressing than a down-on-his-luck old man hobo with nowhere to go and no one to love and not even a pair of old shoes for his wizened old feet?

from Donnah

TWO of them, of course! At least they have each other. And their tiny brooms. And … a book? A large potato? The one one the left still has a glimmer of hope left in his eyes. The one on the right has seen way too much for far too long, man.

You know how on that movie Castaway, when Tom Hank’s character gets stranded on an island and makes a friend out of a volleyball just to have someone to talk to?

from Karen R.

This has got to be the same type of situation. Obviously some desperate woman became stranded somewhere and was forced to use buttons and ferns and lipstick to MacGyver herself a she-friend. A horrifying, nightmarish she-friend. There is literally no other explanation.

I also have no explanation for this:

from Rebecca C.

I have stared at it for ten full minutes and words will not form. What IS it? It’s way too ugly to be driftwood, or anything occurring naturally in nature. No, somebody made this. Somebody made this ON PURPOSE. On the plus side, put it in a room with Beef Femur and I think they would complement each other quite nicely.

You know what I’ve always wanted? I’ve never been able to find one, but I’ve always wanted lamp with like, a giant viking face on it. And the viking is somehow really flamboyant and sensuously pouty at the same time, is possibly not even a viking at all, but maybe a forest fairy king? He also has an orange handlebar mustache.

from Amber R.

Anyway, let me know if you ever see one of those, would ya?

I fear that I scarred many of you for life yesterday, just springing Lava Clown on you like that with no warning, so consider yourselves warned: I’ve got another clown for you.

Sure, those wild eyes and blood-soaked grin may not seem all that bad now …

from Tracy W.

… but imagine him at night.

Vote now!

Keep the party going and come tell me who you voted for in the comments! It’s always such a riot to read.

Can’t see the poll? Click here.

See you tomorrow, with the last round of Ugly Lamps. Trust me when I say you ain’t seen nothing yet.