She Done Worked The Root
“Hold up! I know you didn’t say what I thought you said?”
“You heard me! Dude had a golden streak running down the back as clear as day when he took his pants off! And there I was on the bed, on my fuckin’ hands and knees, glistening like a honey baked ham, ready to give him the royal treatment! I couldn’t believe this man didn’t wash his ass before he came to see me!”
“So why didn’t you ask him to wash up? Matter of fact, you could have suggested taking a shower together. That would have remedied the problem, right?”
I could hear her panting as if she were running a marathon.
“Kamiyah, are you okay? Are you running from the cops? I can’t have my publicist dying on me!”
“Ha, ha, ha. Very funny music man. You know damn well ain’t no cops chasing me! I’m just trying to keep up with Christine and her chipper ass! These Peloton trainers be on some whole other shit! Now where we?”
“You left off with still trying to give your island boy the snatch after seeing the doo doo streak”
“Chance!!!! I really tried to forget what I saw. I shook my head, wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me? So instead of giving him the sloppy, I grabbed a pillow and turned around. I put my face in the pillow and arched my back so he could just plunge in deep”
“You were going to let him hit it? With a dirty dick? All that e-coli and shit?”
“Ninja don’t judge me! You know how long it’s been since I’ve had some? Besides, if I just let him hit it from the back, I wouldn’t smell his ass! I’d get some good dick, he’d get some juicy twat. Everybody wins! But ohhhhhh no!”
“Ah shit. He didn’t . . .”
“Yes he did! This negro brought his stankin’ ass around to where my head was, acting like he was Big Brother Almighty swinging his shitty dick around! Then he had the unmitigated gall to say ‘bet you can’t swallow all this baby girl!”
“Say what? Awww hell nah! Girl, you can’t be serious!”
“Uh huh. Go ahead, laugh at my pain”
“So what did he do next? Please don’t tell me that he tried to grab your head and make you gobble it up?”
“Oh hell nah! He would have been a dead motherfucker if he did that shit!”
“But you keeping me in suspense! How did you get out of it? Did you wave a wand and yell abracadabra?”
“Ninja, I’m from East Point! I don’t need no damn wand! I simply did what any sista would do in that situation”
“Which was?”
“I told him about himself”
“Nah, nah, nah! I ain’t believing that homie! Didn’t you say that he was an island man?”
“He is, but he simply left me no choice after he hit me with it!”
“Hit you with what?”
“His penis Chance! He hit me in the face with his penis!”
I couldn’t stop howling as I imagined Kamiyah being subdued by a feces infested peen! Tears fell down my face as I laughed down the interstate.
“Chance, I could feel all my ancestors rising up when he did that shit! I wasn’t about to let the sisterhood down”
“Oh never that”
“So as much as I wanted to feel every inch of that meat in between my walls, I had to read him his rights”
“His rights?!”
“Yep, literally! I told Demarcus that I would suck him off when he learned how to wipe his ass”
“And what was his response to that?”
“What else could he do? He denied it and started to belittle me, stating how America had made me soft. I told him to look as his crusty ass draws and see if that shit stain was soft!”
“Damn!”
“Now any other dude would have been embarrassed about the whole thing. Most would have given a lame ass excuse. But Demarcus? Shit, he’s a special kind of ninja! He ain’t ever gonna change!”
“Wait a minute? Isn’t Demarcus married to your cousin?”
“She’s a third cousin, but that’s beside the point!”
It never fails. What initially was supposed to be a conference call about merchandizing my new app quickly turned into an episode of ‘Tales from the Single Side’! Kamiyah seemed to be more interested in divulging her dating horror stories. Normally I would feed the discussion by telling my own, but things had changed. I had found someone special and I wanted to keep it private so that no one could interfere. Not even Kamiyah. So if fanning the flames on her past hookups kept her out my business, I was willing to do so.
“Getting some from your cousin’s husband? Definitely haven’t heard that one before”
“That’s not the point, Chance! Demarcus really tried to make me feel small for calling him out! That doodoo bird had the nerve to say that he was doing my fat ass a favor by wanting to fuck me!”
“No he didn’t!”
“I asked that greedy walrus had he looked in a mirror lately? Bet he has Cheetos and Ho Hos under his own titties! When he looked like he was gonna say something else, I grabbed my gun from the night stand!”
“Shit Kamiyah! You really need to leave those married men alone”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I don’t want to end up like you did last year?”
“You just had to bring that up, didn’t you? You do know I can never go back to that hotel right?”
“Yeah. Well hopefully you won’t make that mistake again. I would have given anything to see old girl getting dropped kicked across the room! You must have put Tangie in that cox knot that you’re famous for?”
My mind began to drift as my GPS alerted me of my turn. The estimated time of arrival was less than thirty minutes now. I looked over at the roses on the passenger seat, imagining her smile once she opened the door.
“Helloooooooo? Chance? You got someone in the car with you?”
“Nah, it was just my GPS. I thought I had missed a turn”
“Missed a turn? Hmmmm. Which one of your “friends” are you going to see today?”
I didn’t want to say anything, but my heart convinced me otherwise.
“Well if you must know, I’m actually taking a young lady out on a date”
“Excuse me? Aren’t you the man that refuses to eat at a restaurant during this pandemic?”
“That’s true, which is why I brought dinner with me”
“Dinner?”
“Yes dinner. We’re going to a nearby park to enjoy each other’s company. We’ll have a picnic in the car, then head to the Starlight drive in to watch a double feature”
Just as I thought, Kamiyah had nothing to say. I could hear her getting off her bike and slamming something against the floor. She knew that this wasn’t the average chick. I had never taken someone out on an actual outing. Most women that I encountered only wanted one thing: to fuck. So to take this time to court, things were different and she could sense it.
“You still there, Kamiyah?”
“I’m still here. I just needed to sit down for this. So you mean to tell me that Chance Lover Lover is about to put on a full court press? You probably got her roses too, huh?”
“As a matter of fact, I have a dozen roses on the passenger seat. She likes red”
“Hmmmmm. So what makes this woman more special than the others?”
“I don’t know yet, but she makes me happy every time I think about her”
“Ohhhhhhhh, I get it! She has a fat ass, doesn’t she?”
“She does, but that’s not the point”
“Boy, you know how you get when a big booty is around! Need I remind you of Tangie and Kyla?”
“I hear you, but on the real, I think I may have found the woman I wanna marry”
There was a deafening silence that fell over the connection. After a few moments, Kamiyah resumed the conversation.
“Chance, stop it! I mean, this is the first time I’m hearing about this girl and you wanna marry her? Was the pussy that good?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t had sex yet”
“Wait a minute. Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You have met a woman who you feel is your soulmate. You haven’t had a test drive and you already know that you want to marry her? You sure she’s not a witch of some sort?”
“Sis, I’m for real with this. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like, she stepped into my life and I have known her spirit for eternity”
“Eternity? Boy you’re starting to believe your own lyrics! How long have you known her? In real time?”
“For about two months”
“Two months? Chance you’ve made women wait for years and would never commit! What’s the difference now? You sure you’re okay? You sure she’s not a sorceress?”
“I know it’s hard to believe. I can’t believe it myself! She’s like all the good attributes of every woman I ever dated! She’s so amazing Kamiyah! You would love her!”
“Hmmph. Well if you like it, I love it. Just don’t go doing anything stupid like proposing to her until I see her”
“Well . . .”
“Ninja!!!! What did you do?”
“It wasn’t like it was planned”
“What did you do Chance?”
“Well we ended up going into a jewelry store on our first date”
“What? You looked at rings on the first date? That’s the kiss of death! Chance, whatever you do, don’t go to her house!”
“Why?”
“Because she’s put a root on you!”
Written by the Wednesday Gentleman
