dating & relationships: when being picky is a bad thing.

Since writing my There’s Only Plan A post and reading all of your comment responses to it, I’ve felt pretty strongly that I should follow up with this one. Thanks especially to Bethany and her comment for inspiring me to address this (she shared this article with me, which is very much worth a read).

One might think that the whole just say no to plan B concept automatically means it’s okay to be picky – to write off guys more easily or more quickly because they’re not the plan A relationship you’ve built up in your mind.

Well, that’s not exactly what I meant.

Have you ever heard someone say “I’m just too picky” like it’s a badge of honor? I have, and I’ve probably been that person before. But the older I get, the more I realize that being picky can actually be a bad thing…and something that can hold you back from not just meeting the right guy(s), but also from becoming your best self.

Don’t get me wrong – I am (clearly) all for not settling. But, let’s always make sure that we’re not misusing the concept of settling. There’s a difference between not settling and just being too damn picky.

So, how do you know what the difference is? I suggest knowing what your non-negotiables are (this post that Jessi wrote does a great job of breaking it down). But for the short version, ask yourself:

What are the characteristics I absolutely must have in a partner?

Sorry, girls – “taller than you in heels” doesn’t quality for this one I’m talking about bigger picture things like beliefs, values, communication, integrity, etc.

And on that same note –

What are the things I absolutely cannot tolerate in a partner?

For example – infidelity, dishonesty, anger issues, etc.

Does that make sense? I think those are the sort of things I think it’s okay to be “picky” about – not whether or not your partner is brunette, works on Wall Street, or is a Yankees fan.

Look, I’m not saying that you can’t still have certain attributes and characteristics that you look for in a partner. Chemistry is still so SO important, and shouldn’t be ignored.

But here’s the thing – I do believe there is a middle ground. I see so many girls pendulum swing from being hopeless romantics waiting for their dream guy (that may or may not exist) to come to sweep them off their feet…to believing that passion and romance doesn’t exist, so they go for the relationship that just looks good on paper. Life may not be a fairytale, but it also doesn’t have to be like Desperate Housewives.

So for the sake of not seeming like I’m contradicting myself (ha) – what I’m getting at is that I do believe ultimately in plan A relationships, but let’s always make sure we’re not writing off great guys/girls just because they don’t fit into the Plan A Box we’ve (maybe subconsciously) created for ourselves.

So if you’re currently dating – maybe challenge yourself in that. And remember not to pendulum swing – going on a date or two to get to know someone doesn’t have to be this life altering decision – it’s simply the opportunity to get to know someone new and see where it goes. Because if I know anything, it’s that love is a weird thing. A weird but awesome thing. And you never know who might turn out to be your plan A…

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it’s possible to be too picky?

Gracie Gordon

dating & relationships: when being picky is a bad thing.