I’m going to be home about 3 days or so in the next 17. (Two work trips and a bachelorette party...

I’m going to be home about 3 days or so in the next 17. (Two work trips and a bachelorette party weekend.)

Compartmentalizing my job and work travel as separate from my identity as a parent usually comes pretty easily to me. I don’t usually feel guilty (this is my job, this is what helps feed and clothe my daughter) and I don’t usually feel stressed (I trust that she is well cared for in my absence). There have been moments of guilt and stress, obviously: I AM a mother after all. The first trip I took after Isobel was born was when she was about five months old. That was difficult emotionally, but it was physically hard too. I decided not to take on the hassle of salvaging my breast milk, so I very reluctantly pumped and dumped for six days straight. Ugh.

Anyway, when I traveled when Isobel was an infant, I always assumed it would get easier as she got older because she would sort of understand what was happening and we could communicate more easily when I was gone. The communication part is true, but otherwise, that ease never showed up. Instead, she can tell when I’m leaving, asks to come with me, cries the few times she’s been there for airport drop-offs, and says heart-breaking things when I return. This last trip, she kept saying (for days): “Mommy, you came back! You found me!” She can’t understand why I leave and she doesn’t understand where I’ve been when I return. It must be very confusing for her and I do my best to put it into terms that make sense to her. But, yeah. She’s three and a half. Work obligations, meetings, presentations–they don’t mean jack shit to her. It will be some time before Iz saying “Mommy went to work!” is more than just a rote statement to her.

This is the longest I will have been away from her. I’m not trying to be over-dramatic, but I’m guessing that 72 hours home in 17 days will not be easy for either of us. It’s going to be a busy June (and July). Deep breaths. Good books. Happy travels. And–home soon.