{secret struggles}

I promised i would give an update on what's been going on in our home the past 3 months This post is going to be a bit different from my usual post Why? Because I'm going to be very honest Not that I'm not honest in my other posts, but as a blogger (& as a person in general) you only broadcast the happy, because that's what seems appropriate. So no one knows what is REALLY going on in your life, whats behind the smiles, what happened before & after the picture.
I've been working on this post for about a week... i wanted to make sure i wrote the right words, i don't want to come off the wrong way, but i feel like sharing my experience these last few weeks might be helpful to some one out there. I feel like it is still an imperfect post.. i had a hard time finding the right words... so bear with me A friend posted a link to another mamas blog the other day, where she described her experience as a first time mama. I read it & immediately thought, Oh my gosh! This is me! This is my family! That is my baby! This is EXACTLY what happened to us. It was encouraging to me to read her post, & to know i wasn't the only one out there. Reading her story gave me the push i needed to finally post this.
But before i do, here are some photos of my sweet kids that i love so so so SO much

So here goes
As new moms, (especially young mamas like myself) everyday we are faced with so many challenges. First of all, raising & meeting every need for this little human (or humans!) that has the ability to go from sweet to devil child in a matter of seconds {Having a 2 year old is totally new territory...} Then we have to get used to the changes in our bodies, our lives (staying home, going back to work) our marriage, our friendships. And to top it all off, we are then subjected to the ongoing judgement of our friends, family, & other moms. Especially other moms. It seems that anymore, every question is laced with Judgement of some kind. "Are you breastfeeding? Bottle feeding? Pumping? Will you be going back to work? Staying home? Baby wearing? Co sleeping? Cloth diapering? Is your baby sleeping through the night? Will you be doing the Cry it out Method?" Every mom has an opinion on the way things are "supposed" to be because of her personal experience with her child. I am soooo so guilty of this. I've caught myself giving advice when it wasn't requested so many times. You know you've done it too! After having a baby, we all think we're experts. It wasn't until we had our second child, Liam, it hit me how truly different every baby, family & situation is. There really is no perfect answer.
for example,
In a world of Cry it out & don't cry it out, I found myself somewhere in between both times, but especially this time. Liam is a lot more needy than our daughter was... adjusting to life with two kids is so much harder than i ever thought it would be... the first 10 weeks, I spent every day not knowing what to do, feeling so exhausted, depressed, alone, & SOOO over hearing crying (!!!!) Liam only slept 10-20 minutes at a time day & night for 10 weeks... It didn't matter if he was sleeping in the pac n play by our bed or if he was in our bed right next to me, or if i was sitting in the rocking chair with him strapped to my body.... he woke up seriously every 20 minutes, Tops, & he would cry non stop for hours... Then during the day, he wanted to be held constantly & ONLY by me, so I had him in a baby wrap strapped to my body at all times... it was exhausting & i didn't have any personal space at all... I was seriously losing my mind. We also found out Liam had a bad tongue & upper lip tie, which lead to 2 bouts of masitis for me...On top of all of the stuff going on with Liam, our daughter turned 2 & suddenly became a monster! His constant crying & neediness had caused her to feel a little left out.. after being potty trained for 8 months, she suddenly reverted back to peeing in her pants at least once a day... She fought going to bed, & started waking up at night again screaming. So we had two kids up all night...
Cry it out sounded so appealing at times, but i just couldn't do it, I couldn't leave my boy to cry...even though i resented my extreme exhaustion..
I also refused to accept help from family members who offered.. i am the WORST at accepting help. I don't like feeling like i can't handle it. In this situation, my pride had taken over..
But the truth was.. i couldn't handle it by muself... I was losing it.
I was angry, mean & depressed.
Nothing was making it better...
I felt like i was the worst mom EVER
I had become resentful towards everything & everyone, including my husband., which is not a good thing at all.
I was angry that he was able to leave the house & get away from the children & their constant crying..
I was angry that he was able to have a conversation with other people, a real conversation...& not about peppa pig, or the pee puddle on the floor, or time out, or the many reasons the meal i just made is "yucky"...
I wanted him to feel like i did...exhausted, battling mastitis, over stimulated, & depressed.
I remember one night, he came home from work so exhausted. He smiled, wrapped his arms around me, & told me he missed me & I just looked at him & said "I hate our children.. & I hate you too" And i went upstairs & went to bed....
Mean right?
I still can't believe i said that. It haunts me to this day..The look on his face... oh my heart.
My sweet husband.. who works 50-60 hours a week providing for our family... putting up with angry strangers & other stresses at work.. & I had just told him i hate him.
& our kids.. I didn't hate them.. i was just angry & i hated how i felt
Stress & exhaustion had turned me into a monster, I was a completely different person.
One day, giuliana told me she didn't like me anymore... it made my heart hurt... i walked into another room & cried & cried..
I wanted to tell her "I know baby... I don't like me either.."
But i knew that wouldn't fix anything, & she wouldn't understand..
I had become a person i didn't like
A person that didn't care
I avoided leaving the house because, as much as i wanted to be around people, i just couldn't do it
It was too much
Friends and family would call & i wouldn't answer the phone.. I didn't want to talk to anyone
I had nothing happy or nice to say..
I had entered into a place i never thought i would.
I was completely & utterly overwhelmed & depressed
That same night, i texted my husbands aunt, I asked her to pray for me because i was completely lost and vulnerable.. I didn't know what else to do... I couldn't stop crying...

The next day, my husband encouraged me to reach out to my doctor and tell him how i had been feeling, & i am so glad i did
With my doctors help, along with the continual love and encouragement from my amazing husband & family, & their prayers, I am finally myself again.
And it seemed that as I started to get better, everything around me started getting better too

I was able to handle Giuliana's tantrums calmly, & after about a week, they stopped!
When Liam woke up 100 times at night, i was able to get up & be ok
He now sleeps 1-2 hours at a time at night {Hallelujah!}

I'm finally able to be the mom & wife I feel I'm supposed to be
& it's because i finally reached out asking for help

My point in writing this post is not to complain or to scare anyone
My point is to let some one out there know that they are not alone
& that you are NOT a bad mom because you are struggling to adjust to the changes
& it's ok to reach out for help!

Being a mom is so hard!
& If anyone tells you it's easy, they're lying
Even if they look perfect, & they're kids look perfect, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors
Every parent has their struggles
yet, like i said, we all want to appear to be the expert, the best parent

Being a mom is one of the hardest things i have ever done
But it is also the most wonderfully rewarding thing i have ever done
I love my children, more than anything in the world!
& I love my husband, he is my rock,
I thank God for them every single day
Everything we have gone through as a family has made us stronger, the positive AND the negative

I know this post is all over the place, but, it was a hard one to write..
I hope this helps some one out there
Just remember, we're all human
& it's hard
But as long as you love your babies, your husband.. your family
you are doing a great job

We all have our secret struggles
but God doesn't put you in situations he thinks you can't handle
everything happens for a reason

You are a great mom & you will get through this

xoxo