How Many Children Do I Have?
I visited the chiropractor today to help with my back injury from the pool last week. I feel all sorts of perfect and loosey goosey and delightful. I'm still a bit twingey, but so much better than I was.
I remembered loving the chiro, having gone nearly weekly while pregnant with Bitty. Hannah would accompany me and sit in the waiting area and keep the office workers entertained as only Hannah could.
Lil was born, I got new insurance that didn't cover chiropractic care, and I didn't return.
Silly me. Today was wonderful. Oh man... I left feeling like a little limp noodle. :o)
I returned to the same practice I had loved so much, this time seeing my former chiropractor's son. He is just as lovely as his father and was delightful. Making small talk to try to get to know one another, he asked that question that stymies me to this day: "How many children do you have?"
You would think after all these years I'd have a good answer, that I wouldn't be left foundering and grasping and trying to figure out how to respond. It's been almost eight years, after all. (How the hell has it been eight years??)
As you all know, I have no trouble talking of Hannah. She is a part of our family and as real to us today as the day she was born. Sometimes, though, I forget that even though we're comfortable and used to the idea of having lost a child (not that it doesn't suck the very life out of you, mind you), that it can rather stun unsuspecting conversational partners. Or, more to the point, you know it's stunning, but you say something unwittingly and they're left stunned. Case in point, when we were at the dentist this last time, he noticed a line on Lil's teeth and said it was caused during tooth development, typically by a high fever or some such around 18 or 19 months. Without thinking, I said, "She lost her big sister then, could that have caused it?"
Yeah... that went over about as well as you might expect. Lots of shocked looks and stammering and it was all sorts of awkward. I HATE putting people into awkward positions. :o(
:sigh:
So, once again, how do you answer that question?
It's such a simple, innocuous question, isn't it? You'd never think you were putting someone on the spot by asking it.
You can say, "Two." But then, are you somehow denying your sweet Monkey-girl? It removes any awkwardness, but leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Do you say, "Three" and leave it at that? No details, just three? If you know me, that doesn't exactly fly because it feels curt and abrupt.
Typically, I wind up judging the situation. If it's a brief conversation with someone I don't know and won't know well at all, I'll simply say, "Three girls." If they ask ages, I give them how old Hannah would be.
If I'm with someone who will see me frequently, such as a fellow parishioner, or one of Ellie's or Lil's classmates' parents, I'll say, "Two." As I get to know the people, I'll share, but it makes for a very difficult first-time conversation with someone you're going to be seeing somewhat frequently.
Today, Sam asked, and I responded with, "Three girls."
"How old?"
"Thirteen(!! Seriously??), nine and five in a month."
All was well, and then in the way of parents he asked, "Everyone doing well/enjoying school?" Meaning Han and Bitty.
Shit. (Yes, Beanie, you're right, I'm not supposed to say that word.)
This is where I lie to save that awkwardness. :sigh: "Yup. They all love school. The littlest is anxiously awaiting next fall and really doesn't care that she's leaving me."
And, I was left feeling awkward with a bad taste in my mouth.
To be fair, folks no longer react with the same horror when they ask and I answer we lost her seven years ago. Seven years is much farther away than one or two years and provides some sort of invisible cushion, making it easier for folks to process and respond to.
But, I hate this. This sucks. And, worst of all, I can't see that this situation is ever going to get any better. :o(
*************************
Sparklies:
1. The chiropractor and my almost fixed back!
2. Crystal was a godsend with Ellie today. Hooray for good friends and neighbors!
3. Spring is showing its face here and there in the form of lovely flowers and lambs at CW.
4. One of the ladies in the chiro's office couldn't say enough wonderful things about my hair. :o) Seriously, who doesn't love to hear their hair is awesome? ;o)
5. Easy dinner of cereal because B had to go donate blood and I had a splitting headache (too much chlorine at the pool today :oS).
No milestones.
I remembered loving the chiro, having gone nearly weekly while pregnant with Bitty. Hannah would accompany me and sit in the waiting area and keep the office workers entertained as only Hannah could.
Lil was born, I got new insurance that didn't cover chiropractic care, and I didn't return.
Silly me. Today was wonderful. Oh man... I left feeling like a little limp noodle. :o)
I returned to the same practice I had loved so much, this time seeing my former chiropractor's son. He is just as lovely as his father and was delightful. Making small talk to try to get to know one another, he asked that question that stymies me to this day: "How many children do you have?"
You would think after all these years I'd have a good answer, that I wouldn't be left foundering and grasping and trying to figure out how to respond. It's been almost eight years, after all. (How the hell has it been eight years??)
As you all know, I have no trouble talking of Hannah. She is a part of our family and as real to us today as the day she was born. Sometimes, though, I forget that even though we're comfortable and used to the idea of having lost a child (not that it doesn't suck the very life out of you, mind you), that it can rather stun unsuspecting conversational partners. Or, more to the point, you know it's stunning, but you say something unwittingly and they're left stunned. Case in point, when we were at the dentist this last time, he noticed a line on Lil's teeth and said it was caused during tooth development, typically by a high fever or some such around 18 or 19 months. Without thinking, I said, "She lost her big sister then, could that have caused it?"
Yeah... that went over about as well as you might expect. Lots of shocked looks and stammering and it was all sorts of awkward. I HATE putting people into awkward positions. :o(
:sigh:
So, once again, how do you answer that question?
It's such a simple, innocuous question, isn't it? You'd never think you were putting someone on the spot by asking it.
You can say, "Two." But then, are you somehow denying your sweet Monkey-girl? It removes any awkwardness, but leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Do you say, "Three" and leave it at that? No details, just three? If you know me, that doesn't exactly fly because it feels curt and abrupt.
Typically, I wind up judging the situation. If it's a brief conversation with someone I don't know and won't know well at all, I'll simply say, "Three girls." If they ask ages, I give them how old Hannah would be.
If I'm with someone who will see me frequently, such as a fellow parishioner, or one of Ellie's or Lil's classmates' parents, I'll say, "Two." As I get to know the people, I'll share, but it makes for a very difficult first-time conversation with someone you're going to be seeing somewhat frequently.
Today, Sam asked, and I responded with, "Three girls."
"How old?"
"Thirteen(!! Seriously??), nine and five in a month."
All was well, and then in the way of parents he asked, "Everyone doing well/enjoying school?" Meaning Han and Bitty.
Shit. (Yes, Beanie, you're right, I'm not supposed to say that word.)
This is where I lie to save that awkwardness. :sigh: "Yup. They all love school. The littlest is anxiously awaiting next fall and really doesn't care that she's leaving me."
And, I was left feeling awkward with a bad taste in my mouth.
To be fair, folks no longer react with the same horror when they ask and I answer we lost her seven years ago. Seven years is much farther away than one or two years and provides some sort of invisible cushion, making it easier for folks to process and respond to.
But, I hate this. This sucks. And, worst of all, I can't see that this situation is ever going to get any better. :o(
*************************
Sparklies:
1. The chiropractor and my almost fixed back!
2. Crystal was a godsend with Ellie today. Hooray for good friends and neighbors!
3. Spring is showing its face here and there in the form of lovely flowers and lambs at CW.
4. One of the ladies in the chiro's office couldn't say enough wonderful things about my hair. :o) Seriously, who doesn't love to hear their hair is awesome? ;o)
5. Easy dinner of cereal because B had to go donate blood and I had a splitting headache (too much chlorine at the pool today :oS).
No milestones.
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