Thirteen

Happy birthday, sweet Monkey Mine. You would be thirteen today. Given the nature of Daddy's job and the mess going on in the world, we weren't able to get too far from home today, as we had wanted, in case he was recalled. This left us all rather at sixes and sevens and not sure what to do, so instead we did nothing.

Nothing.

Ugh.

That is NOT how we would have spent your birthday had you been here. :oS I'm sure we would have done something marvelous and sparkly, even if it was just getting out to explore as a family. You were always so good at finding all those hidden treasures and pointing them out.

I did however take Lil out for a trip to JA. She's been clamoring for some alone time with me and I was more than happy to do it. Daddy even explained to Bean why we were out, that she gets to have alone shopping time with me all the time, but that Bitty's in school so she doesn't.

I was up three times with Beanie last night--she needed 'nuggles--so it was rather shocking to be awakened at 8:45 by Nana's phone call. 8:45. I haven't stayed in bed that long since we lost you. Those were long, dark days. Daddy and I would hide out in our room in our bed and let Lissie take care of Lily.

I laid and bed and just thought. I remembered the exhilaration and exhaustion the day you were born. It was a looooooong three days. For everyone. Then, you dratted baby, you wouldn't sleep. You just laid there all big blue eyes looking at me. I didn't know I could go to sleep and that you would be okay. Instead, I stayed awake too. And then, that night, there was a 9/11 tribute concert on all the channels. I wonder if that's why 9/11 is so deeply ingrained in my memory--because it all happened around the same time.

Then I started wondering what kind of a teenager you would be. Would you be moody and mardy and all around icky to be around? Would you be kind and helpful with bouts of drama? Would it be all drama all the time (this is what I'm leaning towards, knowing you)? Would you be tall and lean now? How tall? What would your style be? What classes would you be taking? Would there be boy drama (duh, of course there would!)? Who would be your best friend? What activities would you like best?

So many questions and no answers and it really really sucks. So much.

We had dinner with Nana and Pop and GG and Bill this evening. I think we were all feeling tired and a bit down, and at points I felt as if I was forcing it a bit. It's just been one hell of a crappy day.

I miss you and your sunny delightful self. I miss your drama and your incessant chatter and your joy and wonder in all that surrounds you. I hope you had one heck of a birthday party. Beanie and Lil seemed to think you would. They were more concerned with you being with the pets--Waylen and Tillie and Chance and Mason and Guinness. Lily was especially worried there might not be a cat--I know because she mentioned it more than once.

I figure you were palling around with "Mr. Crag" and Papa and Great Grandpa and Uncle Johnny and all the rest of our family and all the new friends you've made.

I miss you so much sweet girl. I miss what I'm missing.

We love you so much. Nary a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you and wonder...just wonder...

Happy birthday Sweet Monkey.