Stepping into the unknown and learning to fly

Years.

Decades.

If I were to add up the time I spent playing “dress up”–living and working in a body that didn’t seem like my own–the number would shock you. On the outside, I seemed to know what I wanted, I took care of my children and family and home, and I went to work and helped support the dreams and goals my husband and I had as a couple. Were they my dreams? I look back, and sure, a few of them were. But for the most part, my marriage consisted of me saying yes a lot to his goals and dreams. He always wanted me to work–even when I didn’t have to. He wanted the extra income. He wanted the big rock exterior home, the boat, the big truck, and on and on.

Me? What did I want? I wanted to be an amazing mother to my kids and support my husband. I wanted to create memories with our families–extended included–and teach our children what love truly was. Other than that, I didn’t even know how to dream up something I wanted. I spent so many years kind of “giving in” that I forgot to ask myself what would make me happy.

The events that led up to my divorce sent a shock through my system like an electromagnetic wave. My gift to myself, prior to realizing that our marriage was crumbling beneath my feet, was taking a job working at a creative magazine. I began seeing my talents, believing in myself again, and once I found out my ex was carrying on with a woman in New York rather than engaging at home and with me, I had the confidence to put my foot down rather than melt away into nothingness. Then, one year later when I asked my ex husband to leave our home because he was now carrying on with a neighbor, it was like someone breathed the air into my lungs and I opened my eyes again. Yes, it was painful, but I started to become me again.

Nearly three years later, when I began dating Brandon, I had settled in to who I am–the single Lori. Sarcastic, free, colorful, creative. And now, almost two years after falling in love, I see the woman I am and the woman I want to be. Brandon sees it, too. He supports my dreams and my goals and for the very first time in my life, I feel like I have the love I need to push myself to dig deeper and finally become the wife and mother I always wanted to be.

And now, the bigger question: Where do I go from here? How the freak should I know?!

I do know I want to be home more to care for my children and my husband and our home. I want to feel “settled in” and for our kids to have a “real home” again. I want to write. Desperately. I want to create. Something! I want to inspire and empower and engage.

Today is the beginning of an authentic life I’ve longed for that I know is out there.

I’m taking risks I wouldn’t dare try on my own. I have this feeling of terror channeling through me today, because it’s go time. But I also feel a rush of excitement to see what the next chapter will bring. And, after discussing this with my sweet husband, I finally have the from-the-heart support that I’ve longed for, really, for my entire life.

It’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown. I will either fall onto solid ground, or better yet, I just may learn to fly.