When it Rains it Pours

Life is still pouring for me.

Honestly, I have to be open here - My mental health has taken a dive.

I was pretty blocked off after my mom died and lost my job.

It was great to be able to 'reset' my life in a lot of ways, but now I'm back to jumping through the hoops that you endure when you are unemployed through no fault of your own, uninsured, and mentally ill.

I had a paranoid moment last night where I set MMD to private, invite only, but after talking with friends and my husband, I realized that this is a place that I made for myself to be open and honest. That talking about my mental health is just as important as going to see my therapist, my med doctor, and taking my medicine/doing my behavioral therapies.

I am mentally ill.

What do I have? I don't know. I have a current diagnosis of GAD.

Sure that probably covers the panic attacks, the social anxiety, and the irrational fears. It doesn't seem to cover my sleepless nights, paranoia, agoraphobic days, my fear of driving, obsessive cleaning habits, organizational sprees at 3am, or why I cannot manage to maintain a facade of being 'normal' without coming home and promptly spending 10 hours asleep to recover.

My best friend posed the question - why are you trying to be normal?

I didn't really have a good answer for her. Normal means a job. A job that was great, but sucked everything out of me. I was on four different medications just to handle getting up every day.

I'm in therapy every week. I'm struggling to apply for jobs - any job that I believe I can feasibly do, to maintain my unemployment benefits. I'm taking advantage of the career center's offerings while I'm there once a week, but I am struggling.

I feel like a trapped bird flapping broken wings inside a cage I don't fit.

My laptop is also currently on its last legs, so I'm struggling to remain in one of my last few places - my blog. I'm unable to leave comments through blogger, but I am able to actually access other peoples pages. I am reading, I am seeing you all. I'm sorry my voice has been quiet. I miss you all. I am glad to see all the lives in my feed going on while I work on my own. It lets me know that different ways are possible to live. Even if I am struggling through my own.

If you actually read this post, thanks. I just wanted to keep my blog open. And my email too, for anyone who is struggling too, and needs a shoulder. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to tell those nearest to you how you are coping.

I know many days I go into therapy, I smile and say "I'm fine" when I'm not. It's breaking through that mask I put up that's going to help me get better. To be able to say "I'm not okay, I need help."