Cranky Mel

I was super cranky last night. The worst kind of cranky. The kind of cranky where you don’t realize you’re being cranky until you wake up the next day and read your rant blog post from the night before.

“What the hell Mel?”

It was fourth of July weekend and I drank innumerable beers. I had an incredibly fun time until the last leg of it when I didn’t realize how tired I was.

After “S” told me her advice (verbatim from my blog), the wool came down and I was in it. Submerged in the past. That was the trigger.

My crankiness bloomed instantaneous and for the rest of the night (the last one or two hours that remained), I was sad and paranoid. How quick it turned!

I’m almost positive that crankiness, or craziness rather, can start at the on-set of dishonesty. When I withhold from others and not go with my otherwise open flow response.

How odd it is to actually see it happen. To see exactly what happened and why.

I withheld my initial honest reaction, that’s all I did. And by doing that, I unintentionally manipulated the situation to keep me free and in the clear.

Manipulation comes at a high price – your sanity. It costs the same price as your happiness. And you can’t see it happening until the moment has passed and you’re someone new.

I love fairytales, I love the black and white, good vs evil – so by breaking down something as simple as this, I can see the black and white. I can see my own evil doings and how they affect me for the worse.

Manipulation…..knowing right from wrong….

The sun, lack of sleep, the 30 beers in my belly, all weakened my immunity to crankiness. I couldn’t see that I was manipulating and self-preserving.

I’m now laying in bed with tired eyes. It’s noon on Monday.

I don’t silence my phone anymore before bedtime just in case my employee’s need me in the morning, they can wake me.

My phone started going off early. One text every half hour. I’d wake up, see that’s it’s not from my employee, and go back to sleep. Literally, this happened at least 6 times.

I have to hire another employee, finish furnishing the room upstairs, add shirodhara to website and online store….

But for right now I’m going to eat lunch and nap. Yes.

I’m still cranky dammit.