Following my unexplored heart

Life is certainly bizarre. I could’ve settled into my one-room office doing everything myself, building a 401K, paying off my bills, eventually saving enough for a house. Get married, double my income, pop out a few kids.

But instead I’m choosing the scarier, more unexplored option by following my heart.

I would’ve been miserable in that other, more stagnant life. I know what I want, and I don’t want that.

Anytime a person follows their heart, it moves them towards progress. And while in the act of progressing, you WILL suffer. It’s all part of the game. It’s all part of growth. The suffering that takes place is all done in your own mind. A rewiring of old beliefs to make room for the new. You’ll doubt yourself, worry, suffer loss. Any type of change you face, has to do with also facing some type of loss.

It’s the loss that makes you suffer.

I’m losing the ground beneath my feet and investing everything I have into following my heart. And I’m doing it all without a mentor, a guide, a Dumbledore to tell me what to do.

Do you have any idea how much an employee actually costs?

I have to pay:

Employer portion of Social Security tax
Employer portion of Medicare tax
State unemployment tax
Federal unemployment tax
Worker compensation insurance

Plus I still have to figure out about liability insurance. Massage therapists come equipped with their own, but I’m not sure if I need more. I can’t find this information anywhere! And I searched my towns website for a general business license, but I can’t figure out how to get my hands on one. Maybe I don’t need one? Legal Zoom has a company that says they can get me one for $100, but they might be scammers. Legal Zoom also offered to obtain an EIN for me for $79, even though it’s free and easy to do yourself. Research such as this is the stuff I have to learn on my own. And it’s time consuming.

Before I buy anything, I always do my research. Just as I did while hunting for a new car.

When I get home from work today, I have to sign my business up with federal unemployment tax and workmen’s comp. Tomorrow I have a Spa Booker online training seminar at 3:00 and the phone and internet guys are scheduled to come to the office between 1:00 – 3:00. I have four applicants waiting to hear back from me, a shit ton of Ikea crap that needs to be put together. My new website has yet to be built.

My deadline is March 31. If I can be done by March 31, I can leave my old office. Once I’m moved into my new office and my clients start going there instead, I’ll be somewhat settled. The transition will near its completion.

I was a live wire of emotion yesterday. Any cruel look or comment could’ve sent me into a crying frenzy. Mostly from the Facebook haters. They really did a number on me. It’s insane how cruel and hopeless the world feels after getting the shit kicked out of you by 70 plus people. How everything, and everyone feels mean. It’s something darker than depression, it’s fear.

And today I feel fine. I’m back to my old self.

I asked my brother yesterday – “Do you need liability insurance for your workers?”

My brother – “Ha ha I hope you have a lawyer. Do you have a lawyer? I paid my lawyer 10 grand last year. Yes you need insurance and it costs a LOT.”

Me – “Can you help me? Do you have the name of the guy you use?”

Him – “Sorry, you’re on your own.”

He was back to his phone.

My brother was preoccupied with his phone all while I was trying to talk to him. He was laughing and saying funny things as usual.

Him – “No ain’t going to help you. You’re moving in here and taking my business away. No way.”

Me – “You’re kidding, right? You must be kidding.”

I literally felt the tears welling up.

Me – “I would help you if you were me. You really won’t help me?”

Him – “Yeah, I’ll help you. But I’m still going to spread rumors that your place has maggots.”

I felt a 100 pound weight lift from me when he said that. I’m not joking when I say I was a live wire of emotion yesterday. Even though he was having a go at me, I still wanted to cry. It felt like not only did Facebook people hate me, but my brother hated me as well.

I’m insanely sensitive at times. Times when I feel not together, when I feel there’s too much that needs to be done and nowhere and no resources to pull from. It’s like finding myself stranded at the bottom of the ocean with half a tank of oxygen left and no strength to swim up. I can’t swim up because it’s hopeless and I won’t make it out in time.

But then I bounce back. Like today. I’m perfectly fine and have my head back. Thank God for my resilience. Maybe my resilience comes from never wanting to give up and lose hope. I can get through and get over anything because I never give up. My heart always leads me, and I trust it.