being natural and feeling polished

Photo courtesy of From A Wildflower
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As I look in the mirror I can’t help but think how badly I want to be her because she is me. Strange right?The reflection that I see in the mirror is of wild, untamed, tight curls, brown skin and a “what the hell” expression. I try to fight off it off as hard as the flu. Why don’t I feel as pretty with my natural curly hair? Why do I gaze at other natural sistahs in pure admiration and think, ‘yes,hunty, yessss’? I love a twist out, braid out, and updo as much as any other natural girl — but on you not me.
Why can’t I be fierce and rock my natural hair and still feel polished when I get dressed up? It’s not fair that she looks hot. Who is she? She is every woman on YouTube, Instagram and walking down the street rocking the natural look and wholeheartedly embracing it. She is not me. I want to be the woman SHE is. I want to rock a curly, wild, untamed fro and look back at myself like “yesss, hunty, yesss” the same way I do her. But I don’t feel fierce. I don’t feel the yesssss.
I went natural six years ago. I know that beauty comes from within and I believe that with all my heart. But that didn’t keep me from saying if it gets longer that I’d love it. If I give it a funky color I’d love my hair more. If this. If that. Blah blah blah.
But funny things have happened. I woke up one day and something changed. I felt great about me and my hair journey because I realized that it wasn’t about my hair. It was about me growing older. I wasn’t the 21-year-old woman with the hot body and carefree lifestyle anymore. It was about my life changing and my new found curves after children. I changed. My big Auntie Oprah calls these AHA moments. Call it what you want but I drowned myself in the realization that I love me…nappy head, blowed out hair hanging straight, lumps and bumps and all. I love me and I am my hair because SHE is me.
Kim Turner
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