A New Beginning. On My Own.

When you marry someone, the plan is that you stay together until one of you dies. But sometimes, it’s better for everyone involved if you let the marriage die first. My wife and I are getting a divorce. Wow. That was hard to write. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating out of my chest, but I just know it’s time to share. I know I am not alone in this. Divorce is not always synonymous with “quitting.” Depending on the scenario, I don’t even see it as a failure or sign of weakness. And trust me, I am the first one to call out my failures and inadequacies. Letting things die is something I’ve actually learned to harness as a strength. If leaving comes from a place of deep knowing, it’s not weak at all. It actually takes a ton of courage, self-respect and resolve to walk away. There is comfort and ease in staying and sheer terror in the unknown. And here I am in the deep unknown. I won’t get into the personal details, obviously, but the simplest explanation is that being married illuminated the cracks in our foundation that we were never able to fix, even after nearly a year of therapy. It shined a light on our deepest, darkest wounds and made it abundantly clear we weren’t headed in the same direction. It’s unfortunate that it took getting married to find that sort of clarity, but I don’t regret it. I wholeheartedly believe that is how it had to happen. That’s just part of my journey and I have fully accepted it. We wish the best for one another and are both moving on in our own ways. The first month of being separated, I avoided large gatherings and places where I’d have to catch up with people I hadn’t seen in awhile. Those are the worst. What do you even say? You don’t just unload on someone at a party that you’re getting a divorce. That’s heavy. But you can’t act like everything is great because that would be painfully inauthentic. So I chose to be alone rather than figuring out how to navigate that terrain. Remember that hike I did where I slept on the mountaintop alone without a tent? That was around this time. I was in a bit of a panic at this time because it felt as though I was starting my whole life over again at 32. I “should” be getting pregnant this year and having a baby next year and none of those things will be happening now. I’d spent the whole year reading fertility books, listening to podcasts about pregnancy and attending conscious conception circles. I was on the path to motherhood. Or so I thought. It’s easy to spiral out of control when thinking about the plans I had for myself. It’s a great reminder that nothing ever happens on our terms. Learning to surrender is essential…and f*cking hard. By the second month, I slowwwly crawled out of my little hole of solitude and dipped my toes in the water of socializing again. I was met with “where’s your wife?” and “how’s married life?” from just about every single person. I was still somewhat of a newlywed. Some people hadn’t even seen me since I got married. I got through these encounters with minimal response and a forced smile. And here I am now. Three months later. Finally sharing. I read somewhere that relationships never end, they just change shape. I was initially hopeful that would be the case with us, but I’m not so sure we have a place in each other’s lives at this point. That is perfectly okay. I am a genuine believer that everyone comes into your life for a reason and I don’t regret our five years together. I don’t even regret the marriage, however short it was, because it was the thing that got us to today. It was necessary to set us on our respective paths. I hope we can continue to find compassion towards one another, honor the beautiful times we shared and the countless memories, and move forward with grace and strength. It’s not easy — but doing the right thing rarely is. I’m so ridiculously grateful for my friends in times like these. They were the only reason I was able to get out of bed some days. Their support has been so steady and unwavering and they’ve held space for me in a way I’d never experienced before. I don’t like to ask for help, but I finally did. It made a world of difference.

I’m also grateful for all the amazing teachers and healers I have at my fingertips. From breathwork to meditation to acupuncture to sound healing to plant medicine – I have access to it all. Mother Nature has been the biggest healer of all. Getting outside and disappearing into the woods and the mountains has been incredibly powerful. It can soothe your heart in so many ways. Speaking of mountains and nature, I’m off to Mammoth for four days on Friday. Bring on the healing! So, that’s where I’m at in a nutshell. Please please please feel free to reach out if you’re going through something similar and need support, or if you have advice you’d like to share because you’ve already been through it. I’m all ears and I appreciate all of you who have reached out already. It means the world to me to know I am surrounded by so much love and light in this world. I need it!

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