2014

hello.

It feels strange to back here writing. How is everyone?

So I think it's fair to say I lost the blogging mojo a long while ago. I think starting up my own photography business had a lot to do with it! I also guess that I've just been lost in a sea of work - having an incredible time and meeting amazing people - but just work and not too much in between. Or that's how it feels.

I was also planning on coming back to this space when we were lucky enough to have children. I thought it would be fun to start it up again - cute photos - new challenges - me as a mother. Instead our first taste of parenthood has gone spectacularly wrong.

We lost our babies. Twins born at 23 weeks and 3 days. Born on the 25th and 26th August. Yep twins with different birthdays. A baby girl and a baby boy. Or how I saw it my head corduroy in one hand and liberty print in the other. We conceived them easily and I loved being pregnant - they were two very wiggly babies. There is no reason for why it went wrong - for some reason I went into premature labour which triggered a series of very sad events. After 2 weeks in and out of hospital we realised there was no hope for them. I also became very poorly and it turned into a labour of saving me.

It feels nice to write about it. Say it out loud. For me I chose to keep our pregnancy quite - the day I was going to announce it on Instagram is the day it all went wrong. But now for me I want them to be known. I know that they will forever be the biggest part of my life - our lives.

I'm fighting to accept this has happened. That it can happen. And the saddest thing - that it's happened to so many people. I'm not sure if I'll breathe again until we have our baby but we're both getting on with our new normal. Our life after them.

I'm not going to go on. I just wanted to say it out loud. Find my voice again.