Dear Future Husband: I Was Addicted To Porn

Dear Future Husband,

This is going to be hard for me to explain, so I’ll just go for it.

When I was about 10 years old, I went into my dad’s office. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be in there, but a lot of fun things were in that room. It was storage for our Christmas things, it was a darkroom for my dad’s photography hobby, and it was the room with a television hooked up to a satellite. At the time, and in Appalachia, that was a really big deal. I remember really enjoying watching The Mickey Mouse Club with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera.

However, this day I walked in that is not what was on the television. When I turned it on, I remember very specifically a woman with long blonde hair in a kitchen naked. I remember her body shape and could probably guess her measurements to this day. She was there with a man who began to coerce her to do things. I was in shock. This show reminded me of a soap opera I sometimes would watch with my mom while she folded laundry. I thought to myself that it was like mom’s show except they were naked. I didn’t understand why a woman would act the way that she was acting.

This was the beginning of an addiction, a terrible addiction. And a pattern that set in on my life. Now that I am more aware, I believe this was the devil’s first attempt at getting a stronghold on me. He knew how vulnerable I was and that I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about what I had seen. He knew how trapped I would feel because I would be afraid to say I was even in my dad’s office. He knew that this emotional feeling would continue on and on for many years and a variety of scenarios.

Over the years, things progressed and progressed. I will share with you more details, but in particular they got significantly worse after I was sexually assaulted in college. I honestly had no idea what had happened to me, so I turned to internet porn to find out. I would go to the library and sit in the back row so the screen would be toward the wall. I would use AOL CD-ROM disks to get a free trial of internet in my dorm room. I just wanted to understand what happened.

Each time I looked at it, even to the end, I would have a gut feeling that it wasn’t helping me in anyway. I would feel sick to my stomach, but I continued because I began to be intoxicated by what was happening. Researchers are now finding the experience is similar to, if not worse than, seriously addictive drugs. If only the This is Your Brain on Drugs commercial warned about porn addiction, too.

There is so much more to the story, but before I continue I want to tell you (or anyone reading this): there is hope if you are struggling with a porn addiction. I, myself, used many of the resources available at XXXChurch.com. There are other resources available on the internet now, but there weren’t many back then since the internet did not exist yet.

For those who may read this and make an argument about porn being recreational and not addictive, I encourage you to check out the latest research about the effects of pornography. I can assure you that this was not just a habit, it had overtaken my life. There were many times that I would avoid going on dates, getting together with friends, and seeing family. I would lie and mention that I had something else to do. I would trash computers and buy new ones when I got viruses. My addiction escalated to meeting people in person that had similar problems. It put me in scenarios that were just plain dangerous. God, without a doubt, had plans for me because there were many situations I am surprised to have survived.

Pornography addiction is not something simple that I can explain in one letter. And I believe that pornography addiction in women is even more complex because of layers and layers of societal expectations.

This won’t be my only letter about this topic, but I want to begin the conversation here. I’ve come clean to many people that I know and that has been a major part of my recovery process. Ultimately, I came clean with God and have worked out what that looks like in my relationship with Jesus. Turning this problem over to God and asking him to heal me is the ONLY reason I am able to speak about this today. It is absolutely miraculous that I have been able to heal from this. Not only that, I’ve had the opportunity to go to India to work with girls rescued from sex trafficking (several of whom were probably exploited in pornography). And God gives me the awesome opportunity everyday to share my story online. I’m very grateful that he picked me and allows me to do so. Being so public about the most private areas of my life has liberated me immensely and I believe it is because by doing so, I am liberating others.

I want you to know that each day I am growing stronger and I am learning more about womanhood from God’s perspective. I know that you will value me and view me in a way I may have difficulty seeing, but eventually I will come to respect myself in a new and different way. I thank you in advance for joining me on this journey with grace.

Love,

Liz

P.S. If you or someone you know struggles with pornography, check out XXXChurch.com. It will be worth it.

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